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CHAPTER 5
When I awoke from my groggy, post-surgical state, I could faintly see the television on in front of me. It was now Thursday around noon. I looked over to see Scott and his dad sitting next to me in the chairs. The doctor had already visited with Scott and shown him pictures of the 5wk 6day baby they had taken out of me along with my left fallopian tube that didn't survive the event. Had we waited even just a few more hours and my tube had ruptured, I would have bled out with within two hours. Yes, I am blessed.
When I came to fully, one of my firsts calls was to my friend Marissa. Her dad is a pastor in our church. She didn't know any of what had just gone on. When I told her, she immediately said she would come right away. She came with her dad and daughter to pray for my recovery. They didn't stay long. I was going to be heading home in the next couple of hours anyway.
First things first though. You have to empty your bladder before they let you leave. Sounds easy, but it isn't. Once that was accomplished, I was free to go. It was all such a blur. I don't even remember anything that happened between getting into the wheel chair and getting into the car. Thankfully, it was a short drive home.
I went straight to bed when I got to the house. Scott laid down next to me. We both needed the sleep. Mom still was on her way. The next thing I knew, she was standing at the side of my bed. She was saying some things, but I don't remember any of them now. She brought me a smoothie. She had also brought me lots of supplements and herbs for my rehab.
For the next few days, I had friends coming in and out bringing us food and stopping for visits. I am so grateful for so many wonderful, amazing friends that surrounded me during that time.
The plan was to get well enough to go to Arkansas on Monday. My sister was still sick, and had a newborn, a husband, and a two year old, and she also needed her momma. Most of the weekend was spent watching the Olympics. Saturday was when it hit me. I had been okay emotionally until then. When I think back, I am thankful to not have known that I was pregnant before the loss. There wasn't much time to mourn a loss when we only had just a short while from the time we found out till the time I had surgery.
I began to have a flood of emotions that Saturday. I had been pregnant. My body had betrayed me. Why did this happen to us? I have one less body part. So many things were going on in my head and in my heart. Shortly after that day, I wrote this down and it has become my prayer:
"Lord, I know you have a will and a reason for everything that happens in our lives.
This little baby that was growing inside of me that was taken so suddenly has a meaning and a purpose for its existence.
Lord, teach Scott and I what you have us to learn from this. Help us to grow and to be stronger and to be able to help others from what we have experienced."
That prayer sits in my prayer box and every once in a while I read it. I believe that I have had this experience to help others in their journey through this life.
Slowly, I began for feel better physically. Every now and then, I have a moment when I want to ask "why?", but usually catch myself and grin, knowing that I know the "why". I think deep down we all know the "why" when things like this happen.
My current prayer is for another life to join us in this life's journey. But until then, I know that every day I have is a day that I have to touch another soul in a way that I may not have been able to otherwise. And, for now, I am a mother of a heavenly baby, awaiting on our gift to come to this earth to live with us.
~The End. (or actually...To Be Continued one day...stay tuned)
Showing posts with label ectopic pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ectopic pregnancy. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Coming Full Circle - Ch. 4
CHAPTER 4
At 5:00am the sonographer came in with his big machine. He was a nice guy. I asked him if he was there to take a better look at my cyst. He said "well, I was told you are pregnant and that I need to take a look to see what is going on." And that is how I found out I was pregnant, sadly without my husband there with me. He had brought an obnoxious nurse with him for the procedure. He prodded and poked around on my belly. It was not the most comfortable experience, I will say that. I remember him telling me that there was no baby in my uterus. At that point I knew that with all the bleeding, no baby in the uterus, and a positive pregnancy test, this was not a good combination. It got to be kind of a blur after that. I do seem to recall the moment he told me that the baby was growing in my tube. There was a lot of whooshing sounds. At one point the nurse asked in very chipper voice "is that the heartbeat?" Seriously lady!? You are a nurse. You should know better than to ask that question when you clearly know that my pregnancy would not be sustainable after hearing what the sonographer just told me. The answer from him to many of my questions that followed was, "I will let the doctor answer that for you." I knew he knew it wasn't good and wasn't allowed to share a lot of medical information with me. I bet that makes their job hard. In the middle of the sonogram, Scott came back in and I told him about the baby, but that it wasn't good news. When the sonogram was finished at about 6:00am we waited only about five minutes for the ER doctor to come back in.
When he returned, he wasted no time in telling us that I indeed had an ectopic pregnancy that was growing in my left tube. He said that the the gynecologist on call was on his way down and that I would be having surgery as soon as possible. I asked him what my other options were. I think I caught him off guard with that question because there were no other options at that point, other than being dead I guess. He left and we sat on the hospital bed and cried and prayed. Then, I called my mom who was still in Arkansas helping my sister and her family with the new baby. It was about 6:15am. I told her that I was headed into surgery. Unfortunately, this was not the most opportune time. My sister had developed a pretty bad case of mastitis and was sick with a fever. I told my mom to stay with her, but she said she would come down anyway.
The gynecologist came into the room and found us a bit shook up. Scott was taking it harder than I was. He was really concerned for me. The doctor explained to us what he was going to do. I was sitting up on the bed and Scott sat in a chair across from me. Mom had asked me to make sure he knew what he was doing. I was going to make sure I was fully informed before going under the knife. His response to my obviously ridiculous question of "have you done this procedure many times before" was "well, let's just say this isn't my first rodeo." Then, when I asked him how much this was going to cost, he looked at me like I was half crazy. He told me not to worry about the cost. This was going to save my life. I would find out later that the cost of saving a life comes at a very high price. He also reassured Scott that he would keep him in the loop every step of the way. Then he left the room.
I was again poked and prodded and put under for surgery at the brand new Baylor Women's Center. Then, by 9:00am I was in surgery.
At 5:00am the sonographer came in with his big machine. He was a nice guy. I asked him if he was there to take a better look at my cyst. He said "well, I was told you are pregnant and that I need to take a look to see what is going on." And that is how I found out I was pregnant, sadly without my husband there with me. He had brought an obnoxious nurse with him for the procedure. He prodded and poked around on my belly. It was not the most comfortable experience, I will say that. I remember him telling me that there was no baby in my uterus. At that point I knew that with all the bleeding, no baby in the uterus, and a positive pregnancy test, this was not a good combination. It got to be kind of a blur after that. I do seem to recall the moment he told me that the baby was growing in my tube. There was a lot of whooshing sounds. At one point the nurse asked in very chipper voice "is that the heartbeat?" Seriously lady!? You are a nurse. You should know better than to ask that question when you clearly know that my pregnancy would not be sustainable after hearing what the sonographer just told me. The answer from him to many of my questions that followed was, "I will let the doctor answer that for you." I knew he knew it wasn't good and wasn't allowed to share a lot of medical information with me. I bet that makes their job hard. In the middle of the sonogram, Scott came back in and I told him about the baby, but that it wasn't good news. When the sonogram was finished at about 6:00am we waited only about five minutes for the ER doctor to come back in.
When he returned, he wasted no time in telling us that I indeed had an ectopic pregnancy that was growing in my left tube. He said that the the gynecologist on call was on his way down and that I would be having surgery as soon as possible. I asked him what my other options were. I think I caught him off guard with that question because there were no other options at that point, other than being dead I guess. He left and we sat on the hospital bed and cried and prayed. Then, I called my mom who was still in Arkansas helping my sister and her family with the new baby. It was about 6:15am. I told her that I was headed into surgery. Unfortunately, this was not the most opportune time. My sister had developed a pretty bad case of mastitis and was sick with a fever. I told my mom to stay with her, but she said she would come down anyway.
The gynecologist came into the room and found us a bit shook up. Scott was taking it harder than I was. He was really concerned for me. The doctor explained to us what he was going to do. I was sitting up on the bed and Scott sat in a chair across from me. Mom had asked me to make sure he knew what he was doing. I was going to make sure I was fully informed before going under the knife. His response to my obviously ridiculous question of "have you done this procedure many times before" was "well, let's just say this isn't my first rodeo." Then, when I asked him how much this was going to cost, he looked at me like I was half crazy. He told me not to worry about the cost. This was going to save my life. I would find out later that the cost of saving a life comes at a very high price. He also reassured Scott that he would keep him in the loop every step of the way. Then he left the room.
I was again poked and prodded and put under for surgery at the brand new Baylor Women's Center. Then, by 9:00am I was in surgery.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Coming Full Circle - Ch. 3
CHAPTER 3
I had chalked four days of bleeding up to being my period and moved on. About the time I was to start ovulating again, I began to bleed for three days. Looking back, I am not sure why I let it go on for that long. It wasn't anything that had ever happened to me before. Ignoring it was kind of the best option at the time. On Wednesday, August 13th, I woke up feeling "off". I had one client coming for a massage that I could not cancel because she was headed off to college and would not be home till Thanksgiving. Then I was supposed to head to my job that afternoon and work into the evening. Feeling crumby, I decided to keep the massage appointment, but called in sick to my other job for the afternoon. Scott was in the kitchen getting ready to leave for work. I told him that I wasn't feeling well and wasn't going to work. He said "are you really that sick", to which I replied, "YES!", but not exactly sure why.
It took everything I had to get through the massage, but I did. After it was over, I decided that I felt like this was something that was out of my hands. I called the only gynecologist that I knew of in the area. They said they could work me in on August 28th. I took the appointment and then called my mom for advice. I relayed all my symptoms to her and she said she would get back to me. She was in Arkansas with my sister who had just had a baby eight days earlier. I mustered the energy to make myself some red raspberry tea and I sat at the kitchen table pondering. I had self diagnosed myself with a ruptured ovarian cyst after walking around the house hunched over in pain. It wasn't my appendix, I knew that much. Shortly after that my mom called back to tell me that she had researched and came up with me having a tumor or an ectopic pregnancy.
"Could you be pregnant?", I remember her asking.
"Well, I wasn't sharing that info, but yes, we had tried."
She told me to call the doctor back and ask for an urgent appointment, so I did. They could work me in the next morning at 8:30am, but told me to go to the ER if I felt like it was an emergency. I called my mom back and she agreed that an ER visit may be warranted.
I was home alone until 9:30 that night. I had been trying not to bother Scott and work with all this because I knew he would worry. I asked him for some chocolate chip ice cream on the way home. I ate it curled up in a little ball in the corner of the couch. Scott was watching the Olympics and I went into the bedroom, laid down and cried. He came in and asked "is it really that bad?" I was just not sure what to do. I was scared. I said I think we should go to the ER. It was about 10:30pm. I got up and got dressed and sat on the edge of the bed. He sat next to me. I said, "let me take one last walk around the house and make sure we need to go." All of a sudden, it was like something came over me and I knew we had to go to the hospital. I think the hesitation at the time was the cost involved. We sat in the car wondering what hospital to go to. We are a little naive when it comes to those things, so Scott called the ER to make sure they took our insurance. We had only had health insurance for a little over a month at that time. I had gotten it when I started working at my job in June. It was the first time we had insurance our entire marriage, and I was glad for it. But, since we didn't know a lot about ER visits and insurance, Scott wanted to make certain they would take it. Well, come to find out, the ER can't refuse you. At 11:00pm we were on our way.
When we arrived at the hospital there was a bit of a wait. They take the sickest people first. I said my pain was at a 7. I guess I wasn't that sick to them. They took my temp, my urine and my vitals. Then we waited. And we waited. And we waited. We felt for a grandmother and her sick little grand daughter who sat a few chairs away. And, we watched the Chinese gymnasts who were pretty amazing. At 2:30am and about seven potty breaks later they called me back. A really nice nurse came in to take a pregnancy test and other blood samples. Scott had to work the next morning at 7:30. Pretty sure that we were going to be headed back home that night, I finally told him to go out to the car and sleep. It was going to be a while.
I had chalked four days of bleeding up to being my period and moved on. About the time I was to start ovulating again, I began to bleed for three days. Looking back, I am not sure why I let it go on for that long. It wasn't anything that had ever happened to me before. Ignoring it was kind of the best option at the time. On Wednesday, August 13th, I woke up feeling "off". I had one client coming for a massage that I could not cancel because she was headed off to college and would not be home till Thanksgiving. Then I was supposed to head to my job that afternoon and work into the evening. Feeling crumby, I decided to keep the massage appointment, but called in sick to my other job for the afternoon. Scott was in the kitchen getting ready to leave for work. I told him that I wasn't feeling well and wasn't going to work. He said "are you really that sick", to which I replied, "YES!", but not exactly sure why.
It took everything I had to get through the massage, but I did. After it was over, I decided that I felt like this was something that was out of my hands. I called the only gynecologist that I knew of in the area. They said they could work me in on August 28th. I took the appointment and then called my mom for advice. I relayed all my symptoms to her and she said she would get back to me. She was in Arkansas with my sister who had just had a baby eight days earlier. I mustered the energy to make myself some red raspberry tea and I sat at the kitchen table pondering. I had self diagnosed myself with a ruptured ovarian cyst after walking around the house hunched over in pain. It wasn't my appendix, I knew that much. Shortly after that my mom called back to tell me that she had researched and came up with me having a tumor or an ectopic pregnancy.
"Could you be pregnant?", I remember her asking.
"Well, I wasn't sharing that info, but yes, we had tried."
She told me to call the doctor back and ask for an urgent appointment, so I did. They could work me in the next morning at 8:30am, but told me to go to the ER if I felt like it was an emergency. I called my mom back and she agreed that an ER visit may be warranted.
I was home alone until 9:30 that night. I had been trying not to bother Scott and work with all this because I knew he would worry. I asked him for some chocolate chip ice cream on the way home. I ate it curled up in a little ball in the corner of the couch. Scott was watching the Olympics and I went into the bedroom, laid down and cried. He came in and asked "is it really that bad?" I was just not sure what to do. I was scared. I said I think we should go to the ER. It was about 10:30pm. I got up and got dressed and sat on the edge of the bed. He sat next to me. I said, "let me take one last walk around the house and make sure we need to go." All of a sudden, it was like something came over me and I knew we had to go to the hospital. I think the hesitation at the time was the cost involved. We sat in the car wondering what hospital to go to. We are a little naive when it comes to those things, so Scott called the ER to make sure they took our insurance. We had only had health insurance for a little over a month at that time. I had gotten it when I started working at my job in June. It was the first time we had insurance our entire marriage, and I was glad for it. But, since we didn't know a lot about ER visits and insurance, Scott wanted to make certain they would take it. Well, come to find out, the ER can't refuse you. At 11:00pm we were on our way.
When we arrived at the hospital there was a bit of a wait. They take the sickest people first. I said my pain was at a 7. I guess I wasn't that sick to them. They took my temp, my urine and my vitals. Then we waited. And we waited. And we waited. We felt for a grandmother and her sick little grand daughter who sat a few chairs away. And, we watched the Chinese gymnasts who were pretty amazing. At 2:30am and about seven potty breaks later they called me back. A really nice nurse came in to take a pregnancy test and other blood samples. Scott had to work the next morning at 7:30. Pretty sure that we were going to be headed back home that night, I finally told him to go out to the car and sleep. It was going to be a while.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Coming Full Circle - Ch. 2
CHAPTER 2
When you decide on a whim that it is time to add a baby to the mix, as we had, there is no stress, no pressure and no methodical, rhythmic, calculations of baby making that are involved. It is purely joy and bliss. Though, I still felt ready and unready all at the same time. Who is ever really ready, though, you know? As the day approached that I would find out if out if our pregnancy efforts had been satisfactory, I had a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts going through my head. What if this isn't the right time? What if we can't handle a baby financially right now? What if...? What if... What if? As, I often do, I began to journal my feelings and thoughts about what I was feeling emotionally and physically.
7.31.2008
Dear Diary,
"Yesterday was day 12 after conception. If I calculate correctly, that means implantation of egg would be occurring. I bled a little yesterday and today the same only more. I have some cramping and a lot of bloating. Still not sure if I am pregnant....period would have started tomorrow according to schedule.
I am a bit nervous about having a baby. Last night I cried. I am hormonal either way. I am sad that the door to 'just to two of us' is closing. It was fun, I mean, we still have nine months, but the thought is sad. I am having mixed feelings, probably just because I am emotional right now."
I am not sure how he does it, but Scott can always bring me back down from my emotional roller coaster with little effort. I, on the other hand, can sometimes work myself into a tizzy over the smallest hurdles. I guess we complement and balance each other that way.
Looking back, the tears I cried for the loss of "just the two of us", seem so strange. Mostly because there would be many more tears to come and it wasn't because I was mourning the loss of our couple hood.
When you decide on a whim that it is time to add a baby to the mix, as we had, there is no stress, no pressure and no methodical, rhythmic, calculations of baby making that are involved. It is purely joy and bliss. Though, I still felt ready and unready all at the same time. Who is ever really ready, though, you know? As the day approached that I would find out if out if our pregnancy efforts had been satisfactory, I had a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts going through my head. What if this isn't the right time? What if we can't handle a baby financially right now? What if...? What if... What if? As, I often do, I began to journal my feelings and thoughts about what I was feeling emotionally and physically.
7.31.2008
Dear Diary,
"Yesterday was day 12 after conception. If I calculate correctly, that means implantation of egg would be occurring. I bled a little yesterday and today the same only more. I have some cramping and a lot of bloating. Still not sure if I am pregnant....period would have started tomorrow according to schedule.
I am a bit nervous about having a baby. Last night I cried. I am hormonal either way. I am sad that the door to 'just to two of us' is closing. It was fun, I mean, we still have nine months, but the thought is sad. I am having mixed feelings, probably just because I am emotional right now."
I am not sure how he does it, but Scott can always bring me back down from my emotional roller coaster with little effort. I, on the other hand, can sometimes work myself into a tizzy over the smallest hurdles. I guess we complement and balance each other that way.
Looking back, the tears I cried for the loss of "just the two of us", seem so strange. Mostly because there would be many more tears to come and it wasn't because I was mourning the loss of our couple hood.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Coming Full Circle - Ch. 1
CHAPTER 1
Lucky. Blessed. Whatever you want to call it, I am it.
Today marks the first day of my year long journey. And this is my story.
I didn't know it yet, but this was going to be the cycle that we would conceive a baby. When you calculate your pregnancy, you count from the first day of your last period. Technically, you are considered pregnant already when you start your period. Odd, I know. Well, that was the day for me.
Two weeks then passed. When I think back, I remember so vividly all that followed. I sprawled out on my massage table talking to my mom on the phone. As in many conversations that would follow that one, we were talking about pregnancy. I was beginning to have the "baby fever" as they call it. Mostly in part to the fact that my sister was due with her baby in a few short weeks. Scott was sitting at the computer in the same room filling out a job application. This had become the story of our lives. The conversation with Mom was one to ponder. We discussed life, babies, pregnancy and such. It wasn't much different than most of our daily conversations. When our phone call ended, I was feeling inspired. Scott and I had not been "officially" talking baby yet. We were, at that point, still trying to figure out where our lives were headed. But, you can't really "plan" these things or you would never think you are ready to grow your family.
Because I track my cycle for birth control and now for pregnancy achievement, I know what every feeling and sign of ovulation is supposed to look like. My sister had given me some ovulation tests that the previous homeowners of their new house had left behind. She wasn't in need of them and had passed them along. I knew I was ovulating, but I wanted to reassure my confidence. Sure enough, the test said I would ovulate in the next 24-36 hours. I was pretty laid back about the whole thing. There was no pressure and no stress that surrounded that time. After a brief discussion of timing, jobs, and readiness, we decided no time was better than the present.
That was the beginning of the journey. Little did we know what was to follow.
Lucky. Blessed. Whatever you want to call it, I am it.
Today marks the first day of my year long journey. And this is my story.
I didn't know it yet, but this was going to be the cycle that we would conceive a baby. When you calculate your pregnancy, you count from the first day of your last period. Technically, you are considered pregnant already when you start your period. Odd, I know. Well, that was the day for me.
Two weeks then passed. When I think back, I remember so vividly all that followed. I sprawled out on my massage table talking to my mom on the phone. As in many conversations that would follow that one, we were talking about pregnancy. I was beginning to have the "baby fever" as they call it. Mostly in part to the fact that my sister was due with her baby in a few short weeks. Scott was sitting at the computer in the same room filling out a job application. This had become the story of our lives. The conversation with Mom was one to ponder. We discussed life, babies, pregnancy and such. It wasn't much different than most of our daily conversations. When our phone call ended, I was feeling inspired. Scott and I had not been "officially" talking baby yet. We were, at that point, still trying to figure out where our lives were headed. But, you can't really "plan" these things or you would never think you are ready to grow your family.
Because I track my cycle for birth control and now for pregnancy achievement, I know what every feeling and sign of ovulation is supposed to look like. My sister had given me some ovulation tests that the previous homeowners of their new house had left behind. She wasn't in need of them and had passed them along. I knew I was ovulating, but I wanted to reassure my confidence. Sure enough, the test said I would ovulate in the next 24-36 hours. I was pretty laid back about the whole thing. There was no pressure and no stress that surrounded that time. After a brief discussion of timing, jobs, and readiness, we decided no time was better than the present.
That was the beginning of the journey. Little did we know what was to follow.
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