Coming Full Circle - Ch. 2

CHAPTER 2

When you decide on a whim that it is time to add a baby to the mix, as we had, there is no stress, no pressure and no methodical, rhythmic, calculations of baby making that are involved. It is purely joy and bliss. Though, I still felt ready and unready all at the same time. Who is ever really ready, though, you know? As the day approached that I would find out if out if our pregnancy efforts had been satisfactory, I had a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts going through my head. What if this isn't the right time? What if we can't handle a baby financially right now? What if...? What if... What if? As, I often do, I began to journal my feelings and thoughts about what I was feeling emotionally and physically.

7.31.2008

Dear Diary,

"Yesterday was day 12 after conception. If I calculate correctly, that means implantation of egg would be occurring. I bled a little yesterday and today the same only more. I have some cramping and a lot of bloating. Still not sure if I am pregnant....period would have started tomorrow according to schedule.

I am a bit nervous about having a baby. Last night I cried. I am hormonal either way. I am sad that the door to 'just to two of us' is closing. It was fun, I mean, we still have nine months, but the thought is sad. I am having mixed feelings, probably just because I am emotional right now."

I am not sure how he does it, but Scott can always bring me back down from my emotional roller coaster with little effort. I, on the other hand, can sometimes work myself into a tizzy over the smallest hurdles. I guess we complement and balance each other that way.

Looking back, the tears I cried for the loss of "just the two of us", seem so strange. Mostly because there would be many more tears to come and it wasn't because I was mourning the loss of our couple hood.