Thursday, September 10, 2009

Broken Promises

I cried yesterday. I promised my baby that I wouldn't cry anymore, and I did. I know there are many women (and men) out there that can relate to the frustration and sadness of trying to conceive. A term that I have become quite familiar with and many of "us" abbreviate to is TTC.

The two week window is suspenseful enough, and then when that unwanted period arrives it can really wreck havoc on the emotions. Month after month goes by with no positive result. I know there are some of you that are reading this that can completely relate. I can absolutely say that I have a new understanding for families who have experienced a loss through miscarriage or have been TTC for some time with no positive result. My heart and prayers are with you.

I think for me, it is difficult to understand what is truly going on. Sometimes I wonder why my body is not working with me. Other times, I don't understand why my husband doesn't feel the same emotions as I do about TTC. But, then again, he isn't the one who gets the period....again....instead of the two lines on the stick. I can't blame him. He loves and cares for me and feels sad when I am sad. But, I put too much pressure and blame on myself each month, even knowing that stress can hinder getting pregnant. It is one thing to have people tell you to just not worry about it anymore and just not think about it and it will just happen. Easier said than done folks.

In May, I began to take oral Progesterone capsules that were prescribed by a doctor. It was really a last resort for painful, unbearable periods that I have as a result from scar tissue buildup from the surgery for the ectopic pregnancy I had last year. It turn, I have many side effects from this drug such as tiredness, bloating, cramps, worry, irritability, and the worst....BREAST SWELLING AND TENDERNESS. After four months of trading two painful days on my period for two weeks of side effects every month, I have decided to discontinue the drugs. This is a difficult decision for me because they were given to me based on a diagnosis of very slight endometriosis. Endometriosis can be tricky when trying to become pregnant. The lining of the uterus often does not allow implantation to occur correctly, if at all. I just feel that my body, if given the proper nutrition and TLC, will allow me to eventually conceive on my own like I did before. AND, I am trusting in my decision to stop the medication and have a peace about it. When the time is right, we will blessed with a baby.

So, this is where I being raw about the real things that I am going through will we continue our efforts to conceive a child.


Monica said...

I'm so sorry to hear your struggles with conceiving. I think you're making a good choice to stop the drugs and giving your body a chance to conceive again the way it did last time.

I'll be thinking of you.

Cherilyn said...

Oh Hannah, I know God will bless you with a child at just the right time. You will be like Hannah of the Bible, who, once her womb was opened, conceived again and again. All in God's good time. And in the waiting, how precious is His presence and His teaching.

"Each year his mother Hannah made Samuel a little robe and took it to him when she went up with her husband to offer the annual sacrifice. Eli would bless Elkanah and his wife, saying, "May the LORD give you children by this woman to take the place of the one she prayed for and gave to the LORD." Then they would go home. And the LORD was gracious to Hannah; she conceived and gave birth to three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile, the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the LORD.

Hannah Reasoner said...

I love that story and read it often to remind myself that I am not the only one who has ever gone through this.

Christina Pond said...

Precious Hannah... It will happen.

My heart goes out to you. I completely understand the frustration, the disappointment. But know there is hope. Please know that!

You will get your moment. And you will shine, and be such a loving wonderful mother. You already are a mother....

The hard part is waiting the wait, to hold your baby.

But I will pray for you more vigorously! I know what you are going through, and my heart is so there for you....

You are amazing.