Can You Relate?

First of all, I want to say thanks for all the great comments on the Attachment Parenting post below. I think that the diversity in parenting is great. I do not have children yet, so I have not tried any parenting techniques. I will be curious to see what we pick and choose to use to form our own style.

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Many of you know that we lost a baby to an ectopic pregnancy a year ago. I love to read all the blogs of women and families who are trying to conceive a child. It is a challenge and very difficult emotionally, spiritually, physically..... I don't feel alone in the journey. Today/tomorrow is a year since it all happened and I have this on my heart......

Dear Baby,

It's your mom here. It has been a year since I found out about you and lost you all in the same hazy moment. I think about you all the time. I am thankful for your short presence because it truly did change me. I know that sounds so cliche, but it did. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if you had decided to really come and live in this world. I tease you that you wanted to be big and muscly like your daddy and that is why you didn't make it all the way down the tube. That gives us a bit of comic relief. But, if you were here, I wonder what you would look like. Were you going to be a boy or a girl? What would your personality be like? All these things I want to know about you.

When I say I think about you all the time, I really do. I know your time here inside of me had a purpose. You weren't meant to make it and sometimes I wonder why? I kind of know better, but still I ask why? God placed you inside of me for a reason and I guess I don't need to know all the whys right this moment. I know enough.

We really want you back though. I take it a lot harder than your daddy does. I wonder when I will see you again. Will you come back or will it be another? I try and tell myself not to take the tests...that I am only setting myself up for disappointment when they only have one line instead of two. Sometimes I beat myself up and wish I had been a more observant mother. If I had, then my tube would not have gone with you, or maybe it still would have, I don't know. Saying or thinking that won't change what is though.

So, baby, I want you to know that we are waiting for you. You are very much anticipated and being prayed for constantly. I will be a good mommy and your daddy is amazing. We can't wait to meet you. I know that you are waiting for just the perfect moment and that is really okay. We will do our best to be wait patiently. I will try not to cry the tears of sorrow any longer. It makes your daddy sad when I cry for you. You just come when you are ready.

I love you baby.

Love,
Mom